Resolving conflict in relationships

One of the hardest things to handle in ... is ... While a good and fair fight can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your lover, many fights are just hurtful and ...

One of the hardest things to handle in a

relationship is conflict. While a good 

and fair fight can clear the air and 

help you to feel closer to your lover, 

many fights are just hurtful and 

destructive. Fights that never go 

anywhere, that are repeated year after 

year, or that leave you feeling awful 

about yourself are not going to help 

your relationship. Those are the kinds 

of fights we need to take another look 

at, and find out what is going on 

underneath. This is true for any 

conflict that doesn't feel right, not 

just those you have with your lover.

With most fights, there are layers of 

what we mean, feel, intend, hope for, 

and believe, and what we actually say. 

We may only say a little of how we feel,

or we may even say the opposite of how 

we're feeling on a much deeper level 

than the surface. Problems arise when we

don't come from the deeper levels. 

Some people think that the top layer of 

what they feel and think is all that 

there is, yet they feel something's 

missing in their relationship. Others 

know how they feel but instead of 

stating their feelings as their own, 

they blame how they feel on their lover,

leading to hurt feelings and arguing 

that goes nowhere. This is often the 

time that people call it quits on a 

relationship.

Many break-ups occur because we do not 

know how to get to our inner depth, or 

getting to it, how to share it. What we 

want to say isn't what comes out of our 

mouths. We argue about something 

meaningless in order to get space from 

our lover, rather than feel the anxiety 

or fear we may have about setting 

boundaries or looking at what we need. 

We argue to feel more alive, instead of 

looking at what is missing in our life. 

We argue about what our lover spent 

money on, rather than face our own 

issues about money. We argue as a way to

control our lover, rather than face our 

fear of being controlled.

Regardless of the content of the 

argument, until we are prepared to 

express and respect our lover's deeper

feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and 

s/he respects ours), very little change 

can take place. 

We can work around our lover's 

"sensitive points," expect them to do 

the same for us, and make compromises, 

but how far does that really take us? 

While problem-solving can help, 

particularly in the immediate future, 

often it isn't enough for the long run.

As long as the deeper issues remain 

unaddressed, our relationship will be 

flattened, soured, or lost to 

meaningless fights.

So how do you get underneath the 

arguments? By being vulnerable and 

risking being as open and as honest 

about yourself as you can with your 

lover. Take anything you argue about and

ask yourself what is upsetting you. 

Usually people will respond with answers

that are about their lovers - s/he 

spends too much money, s/he is 

defensive, s/he doesn't listen to me. 

Now try asking yourself the following 

questions: 

*what about that bothers you? 

*how do you feel about it? 

*how do you react to it, and what does it

mean to you? 

*what if anything are you afraid of? 

*what do you believe it means about you or your relationship? 

*does it remind you of anyone? 

Try not to get bogged down in 

intellectual answers. Even if you know 

the answers, see if you can connect to 

your feelings about it and notice 

whether any other thoughts,feelings, 

associations, or memories come to you 

spontaneously. Sometimes the best stuff

just suddenly occurs to us.

Next, find an opportunity when you and 

your lover aren't rushed or distracted,

and share how you are feeling about the

issue. When mentioning something about 

her/his behavior that affects you, 

phrase it within your own experience 

("When I think that you are not 

listening to me I feel...I then worry 

that...it reminds me of...which feels...

to me).

Even when you want to mention something 

that your lover does, focus on you and 

your deeper responses. You may want to 

ask for something specific ("Could we 

set aside times to listen to each 

other?") which your lover can consider,

but initially it is usually best to have

you and your lover listen to and 

understand each others' deeper 

responses. 

You might be tempted to leap to a 

solution, but this is only the 

beginning. If you settle on a solution 

too quickly, you could miss something 

that still needs to be unearthed. 

The listener's job is to listen 

attentively and to verbalize 

understanding for the other's feelings,

regardless of whether or not the 

listener agrees with her/his lover's 

perception of the events. For example, 

maybe you think that you're the one 

who's always listening to your lover, 

and it is s/he who doesn't listen to 

you. It's okay that you do not agree 

with her/his version of reality, but for

now, offer only your understanding of 

how s/he feels and what it means to 

her/him. It is important that you 

suspend your difference of opinion and

only offer understanding. 

When you're finished with that, switch 

roles. Feel free, as the one who just 

listened, to say somethng like "When I 

hear you say that, I feel...because I 

believe that I do listen....This reminds

me of...and I feel...and I don't know 

what else to do. I feel that you don't

listen to me. When this happens I 

feel...." It's important to not argue 

about who does or doesn't listen, or 

what you each do, but rather, the 

original speaker should now listen and 

offer understanding for how it must 

feel. Keep going back and forth and see

what happens. You may not notice 

anything for a while, but you might. If

you don't, try not to worry or rush the 

process; something usually shifts over 

time, especially if you keep going 

deeper. You never know what you might 

discover - it may be a completely

different issue than you originally 

thought. Only by staying with your 

deeper feelings and reactions will you 

discover what is underneath the 

arguments. 

By each of you truly understanding the 

others' perspective without judgement, 

you'll be able to move through this 

barrier in your relationship. Stick 

with the formula, even if it feels 

unnatural, and you may find that the 

two of you are laughing about what 

started the whole disagreement.