10 Things a Man Should Never Do

1. Do not pop your collar.

Unless you can prove that you are indeed Dracula’s metrosexual grandson, do not pop your collar. If you truly think that you look any better with your collar hugging your hairline, you are wrong. If you are reading this and your collar is popped, then let me tell you, pansies like you disgrace real men. If you just need to feel that your neck is protected, I’m sure there is someone who can easily arrange for you to be issued a neck brace.

2. Crocs: don’t wear them.

If you are old enough to drive, then you are old enough to not look like a jackass. What are you, a professional paddle boat captain? Wear tennis shoes or sandals—that foot condom with holes makes you look ridiculous, especially if you are clearly nowhere near water.

3. Do not go to a tanning bed.

I don’t care if you are getting married in Hawaii and Casper the Friendly Fucking Ghost calls you whitey—don’t do it. You are probably the same tool that oils your skin after you shower.

4. Don’t put anything of any kind in your beer.

It is perfect the way it is. Beer does not need fruit. The only exclusion is Mexican beer with a lime. This is only to be done while eating Mexican food. If you are at a party munching on a cheese plate with a damn lime in your beer, you really do look like an idiot. Beer does not require salt, or fruit, or anything else. The only thing beer might possibly need is more beer.

5. Men should have only two hair styles: just out of the shower and just woke up.

If you frost your tips I’d like to personally invite you to my backyard, where I can proceed to club you like a baby seal. The only gelatinous thing a man should have in contact with his body is jelly, on a peanut butter sandwich… that is to be consumed before a heavy night of drinking, ball scratching, and cat calling… while wearing a baseball cap, because your absurd bed hair is easily fixed by a hat.

6. Do not pierce your body parts.

(This excludes circus freaks and those masochistic contortionists on Nat Geo….y’all are just plain weird.) Your ears do not need extra holes in them, and your tongue does not need a piercing either. Don’t tell me how your girlfriend likes it, ‘cause we all know your girlfriend’s name is Jake. Don’t pierce your nipples—that is strange beyond the description of words.

7. Never refer to any color as a fruit.

I don’t care if you’re trying to describe the color of the skin on the peach you’re eating. Refer to it as a very light orange color. Or say, "If the colors orange and white were to get drunk and screw, this is the color it would make…we’ll call it ‘whorange.’"

8. Do not use smiley faces in your email, texts, blogs, whatever the hell’s.

Just type it out. Instead of a smiley face, write "hell yea." Instead of a frowning face, write "man, fuck this." Instead of a love face, write "I wanna dry hump the shit out of you."

9. Don’t order off the diet menu.

If you are watching your weight, that’s just fine… if your doctor tells you that you have to eat better, get a second opinion. But just don’t order off the diet menu. Order from the regular menu, and then eat half of it. Look at me, I don’t order off the diet menu… I can’t see my feet, but I’ve been told they’re ugly, so it works out perfectly. There is nothing that makes you look more like a wuss then sitting at Chili’s saying, "Oh, I’ll have the turkey burger. …What’s that? Oh, I’m just trying to maintain my figure."

10. Last, and quite possibly most importantly, never wear pink clothing.

This should go without explanation, but apparently explanation is required. Let’s start on the day you were born: you wore blue. As a newborn, pink is reserved for women, so why the hell not keep it that way. And don’t give me this "it compliments my skin" shit. How about a bruise? That would look good too. Have you ever seen a military force with pink in their uniforms? No, you have not. Why not? Because it’s just plain queer. Barbie wears pink, Ken does not. Why not? Because Ken’s tappin’ that ass, and Barbie doesn’t want some tool driving her ‘Vette. The only thing wearing pink says about you is, "My girlfriend dresses me. One day she might give me my nuts back, and then I will stop wearing this crap, but for now I will wear this pink polo, with my collar popped, while sporting these foolish peach-plaid shorts and Crocs. …Oh what’s that? I need more hair gel? Yeah, you’re right, I just don’t know that I’m gay yet." You p005Y